Digital Small Pox

by Adam Hammer on December 29, 2010

"Is there a way to satisfy mother's scat fetish without sickening father?"

The internet is going to ruin us all. It gives everybody the opportunity to access basically any information they want in all the time it takes to misspell said information in a Google search. That sounds well and good on paper, but not everybody should have access to all the information.

That’s what’s gonna happen with the internet. There’s information out there that not everybody should know. My mom should not be able to learn what felching is.

If she knew what felching was, and I knew she knew, my head would implode. What if ALL the moms knew what felching was? And they explained felching to US?

“Hey son, I stumbled on this website dedicated to felching. Have you heard of that? Well, it’s when a man and another man…. Hey, are we gonna see you on your birthday this year?”

I like to compare the impending societal demise to the housing market collapse. The market collapsed because banks thought every person should have their own home. Sounds good on paper, but look where it got us.

It got it us to where mothers were felching to make their mortgage payments.

If you’re a mother and you’re reading this, fight every urge you have to look up FELCHING. I beg of you. You can’t unlearn these things.

The internet has already ruined my health. I never need to visit the doctor’s again. Not thanks to WebMD. Any time I don’t feel well or I have a new rash, I don’t waste my time in a waiting room. I just throw the symptoms into a browser and hit “search”. Then I pick the least fatal option from the list and go on about my day.

“Well, it COULD be rectal gonorrhea. Or, I’m allergic to Flax seed. Hmmmm. I DID buy tortillas from Trader Joes, I’m sure they have Flax in them somewhere. Looks like I’m safe again!”

Thanks to the internet, I’m now what I would call a HYPERchondriac. No matter how bad I feel, I never think I’m sick. A little gunk in every orifice never killed anybody.

I haven’t even taken into account all the various YouTubes, Vimeos and StumbleUpons that are feeding our brains a steady diet of content as intellectually stimulating as a brain tumor.

Even Wikipedia, the online bastion of misinformation, is run by whoever wants to contribute. People are editorializing history. It’s the mentally challenged leading the retards.

The internet’s available in every corner of your life from your desktop to your pocket. And we can’t live without it. Well, we CAN. But we begin to twitch. If your smart phone dies in the middle of a Twitter post, the shakes begin. How did you let it get this far?! It all started in an AOL chat room. Now look at you… Facebook, Twitter, Yelp AND Foursquare?! Why both? You even still keep a MySpace but that’s your dirty little secret. You’ll check in every now and again but always leave feeling ashamed.

The wall outlet is your tourniquet, WiFi is your needle, social networks are your heroin. Plug in, boot up, and fall into the never ending stream of status updates. You can always get back to your dreams tomorrow.

Right after you spend 3 hours bouncing from felching site, to felching site.

I repeat, please do not look “felching” up.

I would like to end this post by saying thanks for visiting my website on the evil internet! If you want to see me live and in person, join my mailing list for tour updates. I promise not to spam you. Also, feel free to share me with your friends!

Especially the ones that are into felching. They don’t offend too easily. I know you already looked it up.

Happy Surfing.

Leave a Comment

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Abby December 29, 2010 at 5:31 pm

Once you said to not look it up, of course I did. Ewwww!


Anthony Lima March 23, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Stupid cunt!


Ryan Grant Jersey January 9, 2012 at 2:11 am

Hey there, You have done an incredible job. I will certainly digg it and personally suggest it to my friends. I am sure they will be benefited from this site. Thank you!


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