An Open Letter to Rick Perry

by Adam Hammer on September 16, 2011

Rick Perry Praying

Lord, thank you for my perfect hairline.

Dear Rick Perry –

Welcome to the race! I know the media has had you in it for quite some time and before you even officially made your announcement, they shot you up to number one. That’s gotta feel good. Starting off at the top.

It doesn’t surprise me that you started there. You’re charismatic, you’re the longest serving Governor of the nation’s second largest state, and you spit the kind of fiscally responsible/small government rhetoric people are craving in these days of bloated bureaucracy. Unlike Bachmann and Romeny, you have the ability to set your talking points aside and speak from your gut. I dig it.

To be perfectly honest, I like what you’ve done for the job market in Texas. With it’s business friendly tax codes, it’s a haven for companies. Which means there are more jobs. And to top it off, the people that work in the state pay no state income tax. You must be going bankrupt. What’s that? A 9 billion dollar surplus?? Get out!

Texas netted over 230,000 new jobs since 2009. More than any other state. I mean, 44% of those jobs WERE government jobs, but whatever. Money’s money when you got a mortgage. And there’s still that surplus so I can look past it.

I gotta say the track record is pretty impressive when it comes to fiscal policies.

I really want to vote for you.

Unfortunately I can’t.

In New Hampshire you were asked how old you thought the world was and you responded “I don’t know.”

It’s hard for me to fault you on that, Governor. You were, after all, educated in your home state of Texas.

Granted, I don’t know the climate of the Texas education system in the 60’s and 70’s when you were in school. But what I do know about Texas is that it’s a state that prides itself on tradition and doesn’t want anyone “messin’” with it. So I’ll assume the importance of education is relatively similar today as it was 40+ years ago.

Texas ranks #49 and #46 in SAT verbal and math scores. I don’t know how you do business in the Lone Star State, but the rest of the business community seems to think that a strong grasp of numbers is pretty essential. And you’re not gonna move a lot of product if you can’t explain the benefits. So verbal and math proficiency seem like they’d be at the top of the education list for such a business friendly governor.

That’s great that Texas has added more jobs than any other state, but the new employees are imports. Out of the 4.2 million new people in Texas since 2000, more than half of them have moved there from other states. They bring along with them their college educations and their families. Families, I assume, who want to carry on their own tradition of strong educations.

So with an influx of millions of new employees who will no doubt want to send their kids to decent schools what was your answer to help turn around test scores, helping the next generation be competitive in the work force? Cut $10 billion from the education budget.

Yeah. That should do it. Don’t cut cops. Don’t cut subsidies. Cut teachers. That’ll learn them students.

When asked about your views on evolution you said “It’s a theory that’s out there with holes in it. Which is why we teach evolution and creationism in Texas.” Wow. Evolution AND creation. So you cut fund AND doubled up curriculum?


I understand (and actually AGREE) that evolution is no more than a theory. It’s a strong theory. But I’ll admit it’s a science that lends itself to the egos of those who study it and has a rich history of tainted evidence (see: PILTDOWN MAN). But at the same time, if you want to talk about theoretical holes, let’s crack open the book of Genesis. It reads like a cube of swiss cheese.

When are the kids gonna find time to learn about business, politics and science if they’re bogged down with unconstitutional “science” tests based on a book that includes a talking snake and incest as integral parts to the origins of man?

But your presidential hopes don’t rest on where we came from, it’s where we’re headed – “Let’s get America back to work.”

I like that business is a focus but you’ve gone about it the wrong way in Texas. It has been your soul focus. And it’s extremely short sighted. Because while you create a business friendly environment, you don’t create the new minds that will dream up the businesses to operate within that environment. Eventually you will run out of competent, home grown thinkers.

Businesses will import more and more people to work for their companies. Housing prices will go up. Eventually they’ll go up so high that it’s not worth it for people to move there. Even with the state incentives the businesses won’t be able to afford to import the great minds they need. They’ll mine what little they can within the state and move out just as quickly as they moved in. Taking the best minds with them.

And all you’ll be left with are a bunch of undereducated, undertaxed, Texans with their hands out wondering where it all went wrong. It’ll be like an entire state of University of DeVry graduates. A joke.

What I’m saying is by cutting education in a state that’s already underfunded in the name of fiscal responsibility, you are creating a welfare state.

And that’s too liberal a president for me. Which is one reason I can’t vote for you.

The other reason, is because God hates you. In April you held a revival asking all in attendance to ask for rain. Instead God sent you wildfires. He sent the opposite of rain! You prayed for God to fix the economy in August. In August no new jobs were added. That was the first time since 1945 a month had no net change in jobs. And the DOW is still way down from its 52 week high.

Please stop praying!

Your prayers are making me question my disbelief in God. I’m starting to think that if there is one, he doesn’t like you. And that’s the other reason I can’t vote for you.

A vote for Rick Perry is a vote against God.


Adam Hammer

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