I Want Your Vote

by Adam Hammer on July 30, 2012

Hope! Change! Free stuff! Bigger boobs! Flying cars! Adam Hammer 2012!

Stand-up comedy isn’t a contest. Comedians usually get along with each other. We’re friends. When somebody tells me after a show “You were my favorite tonight, the rest of the people sucked.” Another audience member is telling a different comedian the same thing across the room. Then the audience leaves and the other comedian and I get together to compliment each others’ sets and joke about how shitty the audience was.

Even though we’re on stage alone, comedians have a camaraderie. It’s not a contest.

Unfortunately people who don’t do comedy think that it is. Some of these people run comedy clubs. They throw comedy contests where the winner is determined by how many friends they can bring to a live show or how well the comedian can market themselves online. These contests are awful for the growth of stand up comedy and I don’t know why any comedian would participate in them.

For example, take the contest I’m involved in right now…

(I know. I’m a hypocrite. Let you without sin cast the first stone.)

This is how it works…

You do a set. The club picks two random minutes from it and throws a video up on their website. Then they ask that you annoy the shit out of all your friends and fans to get them to click on a stupid vote button.

They want me to send my friends to the comedy club’s website in the hopes of the comedy club selling tickets to shows that I’m not even on. I am basically promoting for the club for free. As much as I hate the game, I do want comedy clubs to stay open so that comedy as a form of live entertainment sticks around and comedians aren’t relegated to the hyper-saturated world of mediocre podcasts. So I play along begrudgingly and seethe every time I put a “Vote For Me!” post on Facebook.

I don’t have a lot of friends and I’m a horrible self promoter. I don’t usually do well on these types of contests. This time though, I am in second place. We were neck and neck but the first place dude has pulled ahead some. I’m behind someone younger than me who I assume is better at Facebook than I am. Check out his video. If you think he’s funny, add him on Facebook and check him out live. Like I said, stand-up isn’t a contest.

I would like to be in first place. If I have the most votes by Friday Aug. 3rd, the club will invite me back next week to perform. I’m sure that will lead to future bookings and then I will be promoting for them for shows that I am a part of. And I would love to see you guys at those shows.

But I need some more votes. So, if you like what I do and would like to continue to see me live in the future with all new jokes to make you squirm, here’s what you can do:

Go to http://laughfactory.com/contests/FreshFaces/voting and vote for ADAM HAMMER. You don’t have to sign up for anything. You don’t have to give them an email. You don’t have to register as a sex offender. All you have to do is click VOTE YES when you see my ugly, bearded, face prattling on about flowers.

You can vote once a day from your computer but if you want to do more…

You can also vote twice a day from your phone if you vote once on WiFi and again on 3G. I think you can vote once for every WiFi network you join from the same phone. So if you drive a delivery truck for Starbucks, you could make a young comedian’s boyhood dream of winning a stupid online voting contest come true.

You can vote from your coworkers’ and friends’ phones and iPads. Get creative with it too! This can be fun.

Go into your boss’ office, demand that he give you his phone or you’ll tell his wife that he’s sleeping with the secretary. Vote for me, then demand a raise.

Then demand to use the secretary’s phone or you’ll tell the boss she used to do porn.

That’s two extra votes AND a good laugh! This doesn’t have to be homework. Enjoy yourself.

I don’t understand how IP addresses work so I’m sure some of my anti-Big Brother, proxy-using, conspiracy theorist fans can figure out other ways to game the system. Feel free to throw those methods in the comments. But don’t use your real name in case Big Brother is watching!

So that’s it. Democracy in action. If anybody wants to start a Super PAC to get more people to the voting page, I can’t legally have any part of it but I won’t do anything to stop you.

And feel free to share me with your friends. You and I can have an open relationship. Get them in on the action as well.

Thanks for reading and God Bless America, or some shit.

PS: Please don’t share this with Mike Citera. I don’t want him teaching his friends my tricks. Hahaha.

If you like what I do, use those share buttons. Don’t keep me a secret. Add me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter – @adamhammer.

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