Mitt Romney Speaks at the NAACP

by Adam Hammer on July 11, 2012

I want to abolish baby mama drama!

I want to abolish baby mama drama!

In an attempt to appeal to black voters, Mitt Romney addressed the NAACP today at their annual convention in Houston. Here’s the transcript for those of you that missed it.

Um. Hello. Good afternoon. Or “good afternoont” as Madea might say. I’m honored to be here and thank you for having me.

(CHECKS FOR HIS WALLET; THEN)

NO! It’s not what it looks like. I was checking my audio pack. Not reaching for my wallet. I know you’re not all thieves. Most of you have jobs. Some of you are even janitors at the businesses I’ve started.

I know the old cliché that rich white men don’t trust colored people. Or, er, um blacks. Wait, no, um, African-Americans. Hold on, is it colored people? I mean, that’s what the CP in NAACP is, right? Colored People?

You know what? I’ll just go with Baptists.

Ok. Baptists. So…

I know the old cliché that rich white men don’t trust Baptists, but rest assured, I trust you people. I trust the blacks so much that I keep millions of my dollars in banks in the Cayman Islands.

Shoot. I said “blacks” again, didn’t I?

My bad. As you Baptists would say.

As those of you that can read know, I am running for president. Against Barack Obama. Who is half white, I should mention.

(CLEARS THROAT)

And this half-white president came into office promising hope and change. And look where that has left the black community. At a 14% unemployment rate.

I’m looking to change that. See, I want to lower the taxes for millionaires, like myself, which will have a trickle down effect to the black community. Without all those extra taxes they’ll be flush with cash and spend that money creating good jobs. Jobs like nannies, drivers, personal trainers, cooks, maids, landscapers, boxers, and even golf caddies. I know I could use a Bagger Vance in my corner when I’m playing 18 holes.

President Obama has done his part to stand in the way of your progress. He signed the DREAM Act which basically opens up the borders and clogs the colleges. Now, this probably won’t effect most of you who go on to higher education since it’s usually on some sort of athletic scholarship; other than soccer…

But for the three or four dozen people of color who attend college without playing sports this could have lasting impacts. You think unemployment is high now? Wait until the job market is flooded with educated immigrants who are here illegally that are willing to work for pennies on the dollar. I want to repeal the DREAM Act to get rid of the Mexicans who are taking all your cotton-pickin’ jobs!

I believe in the black community. The same way I believe in God. I know it exists, I just never see it.

I come from an extremely short line of equal rights activists. My father marched in Detroit for civil rights. And I marched right along side him. Because I believe people of color are entitled to all the same rights as those of us without any color. And in 1978, more than a decade after the Civil Rights movement, we even allowed black people to join the Mormon Church.

Yes, homeboys and hoes, this president’s administration has run amuck with governmental interference in our lives. They want us all driving Priuses, and I want us all to be in Cadillacs. This administration is trying to drive us into a nanny state, going so far as to tell us what to eat. I want to get rid of all the government interference in our diets so that women stay thick!

I want to preserve traditional marriage, unlike my opponent. He hates the players, AND the game!

(SADLY, THE CROWD APPLAUDS)

I don’t think what Michael Vick did was that bad!

(A BIT MORE APPLAUSE)

I want to restore America to when it was great for all people! Like it was in the beginning!

(APPLAUSE STOPS ABRUPTLY)

Wait, scratch that. Like it was in the 50’s!

(CROWD STARTS TO GRUMBLE)

Um. Hold on.

(LOOKS TO CAMPAIGN ADVISOR)

When was it good for black people? — Really? — Ugh.

(THEN)

I want to restore America to that two-hour period of time when Barack Obama was sworn in to office! When the black community felt like they were a part of something special. They felt equal and dignified. But like, I want that to be like all the time. Not just for two hours. And I don’t want Barack Obama to even be there.

And I want you guys to think I’m cool!

Vote for me, dog!

(AWKWARDLY PULLS MIC FROM PODIUM STAND. DROPS IT. PUMPS A FIST IN THE AIR AND TRIES TO MOONWALK OFF THE STAGE)

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