Sony Got Hacked. Let’s Victim Shame Them!

by Adam Hammer on December 18, 2014

Sony was hacked. The biggest hack in hack history. Unless you count Carlos Mencia’s career. The stolen information included employee names, payroll details, medical records, social security numbers and a couple of salacious email exchanges between rich people. That thing that one Sony exec said to the other Sony exec about Angelina Jolie was so naughty! I almost dropped my Bon-bons when I read it. *Tee-hee*

The hackers wanted Sony to pull the film The Interview. They threatened to release information if Sony didn’t pull the movie. Sony stood their ground. The hackers followed through on their threat by letting the world know that Adam Sandler ain’t so great to work with.

Then, the hackers threatened to release more data if Sony didn’t pull the film. Sony still stood their ground. The hackers released emails between execs calling Kevin Hart a whore and wondering whether the President prefers 12 Years A Slave to Django Unchained. Oooh! There’s nothing more titillating than executive level racism. Where are my bon bons?

Then, the hackers – who were now 2 of 2 for following through on threats – threatened a 9/11 style attack if Sony released the film. Sony pulled the film in the interest of safety for the public and their employees. I know. I was shocked too. A multi-national, multi-billion dollar company making a decision in the interest of their employees and the public? Sony took what will amount to a more than $100 million hit in the interest of the public and their employees, meanwhile Wal-Mart still tries to figure out new and interesting ways to not pay their employees.

Sony made their move and Hollywood, Washington, the Press and everyone wearing an American flag bandana called Sony cowards for pulling the film. Kowtowing to threats is un-American. This cyber-attack is Pearl Harbor on the First Amendment and Sony just bent over and let Kim Jong-un personally tickle its prostate.

Shame on you Sony! Shame on you.

That sentiment’s a bit harsh. Sony just got probed by the biggest breach of cyber security ever. They were violated and left exposed. Maybe we should let them finish their rape shower before we ram our ideology down their throats.

It’s easy for people like Judd Apatow and Steve Carrell to say that pulling the film will set a terrible precedent for Hollywood. The 40 Year Old Virgin was a Universal picture. Not Sony. And when Judd and Steve watch The Interview it will be on a private screener in their own personal home theaters. They don’t have to fight holiday traffic, pay $20 a ticket, find parking and hope that the wet spot on their theater seat is only water. Then, on top of it, worry some crazy person will go all Aurora, CO. All for the patriotic freedom of watching Seth Rogen find a new way to make a weed joke.

I can only imagine the hilarious exchange between Seth and a North Korean, trying to find a local drug dealer.  I bet he meets up with an actual pot dealer and walks away with a soup tin! Argh! Different languages are difficult!

So while the Hollywood elite are trying to keep their balance atop their art-soapboxes, Seth Rogen and James Franco are being escorted by personal bodyguards. They’re not all that cavalier about the threats.

The Sony hack didn’t just effect rich people who can take it. It effected all their employees. Even that asshole security guard at the front gate who wouldn’t let me in for a meeting once because my studio contact misspelled my name “Hamner.” That dude’s personal information is out there now. And I bet it’s all spelled correctly.

Sony doesn’t owe us The Interview. They don’t owe us a “fight for the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States”. They aren’t even an American company! The company who suffered the most devastation from the biggest company security breach in Internet history is from Japan. Japan – the country who coincidentally suffered the most devastation from a single bombing. Maybe they just didn’t want any fallout from the hacks. Pardon the pun. There’s nothing un-American with taking a calculated approach to threats. That’s what we did after Pearl Harbor. The real Pearl Harbor. The one where real people really died?

And when it comes to the freedom of expression fight, is the bro-mantic comedy version of Inglorious Bastards really gonna be our crusade’s flagship vehicle? We don’t have the freedom of expression in this country to say we want to kill our own president, but we have the audacity to say that a movie where the entire plot is to assassinate the another country’s leader is owed a release because of… Art? Our army? Indignant entitlement?

I know the film is just a comedy but North Korea isn’t known for having humor. They don’t even have street lights.

So fuck all the hyperbole and Peal Harbor references. Let Sony lick their wounds before you ask for a crusade. They just took a huge kick in the nuts. Sure, Sony should easily recoup the financial loss, but maybe not all their employees who are about to have their identities stolen. Ease up on the cowboy shit.

And fuck North Korea. I wanted to see The Interview. I like buddy comedies with shitty pot jokes. Now to scratch my The Interview itch,  I’ll have to watch Pineapple Express set to the audio of Team America: World Police (big ups to my brother for that last joke).

You can follow me on Twitter and add me on Facebook.

Leave a Comment

Previous post: